Is Apple Trying To Destroy Men's Love Lives On Purpose?
Somebody needs to put a flag on the field. So, I’m doing it here. If you’re male and have a brand new iPhone X, listen to me, and listen to me good. Why? Because the very future of your family lineage may be on the line. Tech giant, Apple, recently released a technical foul. And you might pay BIG for it one day.
Men, let’s be honest. It’s time we all meet-up, charter a bus and screech our tires all the way to Cupertino, California. We won’t care the new humongous Apple Campus is larger, more intimidating and probably has more security than The Pentagon. There’s going to be an invasion. We’re going in. Rally around me, Brave-hearts!
We’re going to approach every poor-excuse-for-a-male wearing that annoying Jobs/Jonny Ives plain black mock-turtleneck and jeans outfit––then officially revoke their guy cards––EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. Real guys are upset about the new Apple iPhone X and this is why.
It’s glaringly obvious that a cunning female engineer came up with this horribly nefarious technological nightmare to harass men all over the planet.
This Facial Recognition feature on the iPhone X is the most nonsensical, non-helpful, anti-man, gender-terrorizing technology that could have ever been built into an iPhone––ever. No, wait. EVER, ever! How could any self-respecting male employed at Apple have let this horrifying technology be green-lit and marketed as a “good thing”?
It’s glaringly obvious that a cunning female engineer came up with this horribly nefarious technological nightmare to harass men all over the planet. And don’t give me that confused look just because your girlfriend is standing right next to you. You know you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s been in the back of your mind too.
Everyone knows that security-code technology for smartphones was created, primarily, for dude-life. It’s not truly for the rare case of a lost or stolen phone. This security feature is for hacker prevention––and I’m talking about the cute little hacker who sleeps right next to you every single night––wives, girlfriends and girlfriend wannabes.
It was evident Apple started going soft on masculinity when they first introduced Touch-ID. I mean, all your female companion had to do to get into your phone and make a mess of your love lives, was wait til you’re sleep, grab your limp unassuming fingertip, place it on your phone’s home-button, and, voila, she’s in.
But at least there was one saving grace. You’d likely wake-up if she started yanking on your finger. But now… oh, my, gosh, but now (thanks Apple), with an iPhone X, all that she has to do is grab your phone and wave it in front of your sleeping face to unlock it and she’s in? WHO THOUGHT OF THIS? Oh, we know. The Silicon Valley Secret Women’s League of Hackers, whose president/dark-empress is clearly working at Apple.
Think of all of the children who won’t be born as a result of this player-hateful technology.
Apple used to be a company in touch with real people. They used to expertly and thoughtfully integrate relevant technology into the everyday utility of real everyday people. It was like they knew what we needed before we needed it. And we worshipped them for it. But now? Do we need this?
It begs the question: has all the thin air around their highly perched corporate pedestal left them less than lucid about real life? Have they completely forgotten what dude-life is truly about in the real world with real dudes? What are they doing to us?
This is a global issue. Ring the alarm. Think of all of the relationships and marriages that will fall apart. Think of all of the children who won’t be born as a result of this player-hateful technology. The planet’s population numbers may be severely affected by this one stroke of man-hating genius. Facial Recognition software my a**. It’s time we run the entire team at Apple through some Cojonés Recognition software, because it sure looks like every guy up there has been effectively neutered.
And now... an open letter to Tim Cook:
Re: iPhone X
“Dude. What were you thinking?"
Sincerely,
Men